Body & Soul: When Does Arguing Become Emotional Abuse?

You’re mid-argument with your partner. It could be over anything, the division of household chores, maxing out the credit cards, a preoccupation with the time spent on the phone, hogging the remote or they’ve just come home in a filthy mood. Voices raise, anger flares and you’re as mad as hell. Sometimes it even results in vile name calling and heated shouting.

While this isn’t an ideal way to treat your partner, is it abuse?

Experts say while most couples argue and sometimes lose their shit, emotional or psychological abuse is when one partner wants control, power and dominance over every aspect of their partner’s life. Emotional abuse can cover a wide range of behaviours or actions aimed at intimidating, isolating or manipulating a person.

Arguing or manipulating? Photo: iStock
Arguing or manipulating? Photo: iStock
Rather than a flare up, it’s a targeted approach to diminish the other partner’s self-worth to make them feel ashamed and constantly belittled. Then before you know it, the person on the end of the abuse starts to believe that they deserve to be called an “A stupid bitch,” or a “Selfish bastard”.

According to the Australian Bureau of Statistics Social Trends 2014 report, overall, women were more likely to have experienced emotional abuse by a partner than men, with one in four (25%) women and one in seven (14%) men having suffered emotional abuse by a partner since the age of 15. Astoundingly, that is 2.1 million women and 1.2 million men.

Both women and men who had been emotionally abused by their current partner commonly reported that their partner had controlled or tried to control where they went or who they saw (34% and 41%, respectively), or monitored their whereabouts (25% and 28%). A similar proportion of women and men also reported that their current partner had stopped or tried to stop them from contacting family, friends or their community (17% and 23%).

Back to back, not cheek to cheek. Photo: Istock
Back to back, not cheek to cheek. Photo: Istock
“I’ve seen many people who didn’t realise they were being abused until they began therapy,” said psychologist Juli Fragain a piece she wrote for Tonic Vice. “Oftentimes, they unknowingly minimise or justify their partner’s actions, by telling themselves things, like: ‘He’s just stressed out from work; once we get away for a vacation, things will get better,’ or ‘He has trouble coping with anger,’ ‘I know he didn’t mean the cruel things he said to me’. When caustic words like ‘I wouldn’t get angry if you weren’t so sensitive,’ or ‘You brought the conflict on yourself. I’m not apologising,’ become the norm, not a rare exception, it may be time to re-examine the well-being of your relationship.”

If you relate, it’s time you started looking at the effects that this kind of behaviour is having on you. According to Lifeline Australia, emotional and psychological abuse can be equally as traumatising as physical abuse.

Here’s where you can get help.

1800 Respect has 24-hour information, counselling and support service. 1800 737 732

Talk to a psychologist – Australian Psychological Society

Search for a counsellor near you – Australian Counselling Association.

Lifeline offers a free 24-hour Crisis Counselling service – 13 11 14